Sorrows Equillibrium
by wyntersun
Summary: (POV in LOST SON) Horatio contemplates on what has happened and what he fears would happen. HC.
1. Horatio Caine: What I fear the most

TITLE: Sorrows Equilibrium  
AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
SUMMARY: During the last few scenes in _Lost Son_ , Horatio Caine contemplates on what happened and what he fears would happen. He seeks comfort to the one person he could share his sorrows...  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor it's death scenes. All of which belong to Jerry B. The plot though, is mine.  
A/N: I haven't watched Lost Son in full detail (since it's only season 2 I am watching), so I just based this fic with what I saw in blows nose I hate it when characters die, especially good Speed... So here's the fic where I toast to his character and to my ship. I think it's obvious that this story is H/C, so if you don't like the ships, please don't read. I don't enjoy flamers nor would I entertain them.

SORROWS EQUILIBRIUM

_Horatio Caine: What I Fear the Most_

The cold and desolate hallway of the Miami Crime Lab welcomed me to it's inviting darkness. How I wish I could immerse myself within that darkness and never to be found again. How I wish I could follow the eerie song that haunts the deepest region of my heart… How I wish I could escape the reality that faces me and taunts me even up to this moment.  
_I failed…_  
My eyes witnessed that terrifying sight. A body, where beneath it was a pool of blood, slowly leaving its owner. A face, which cannot seem to bear the fact that everything he feels around him will be lost in a matter of time. A person, who I cared for, like a son of a proud father.  
He was looking at me, like a frightened child searching for his mother because he was hurt. But a small child's wounds could not compare to what Timothy Speedle was experiencing then; a gunshot wound. He tried to speak, perhaps to show that he was brave. But it seemed that his efforts failed.  
I just kneeled there, beside him, in a mess. My calm exterior slowly gave way to someone completely new; a person who fears everything. That time, I couldn't seem to put myself together, being a witness to a comrade's slow death.  
And then it happened. All my life, I have been investigating deaths. I was used to seeing bodies in wretched positions, indicating how they died. I have seen how thy died, I have known why they died. I know who killed them. Yet this was different.  
Life left Tim Speedle's body, his eyes, looking perhaps towards the heavens to see the beauty of this earth one last time.  
I slowly stood up, feeling useless. He was lying in the simplest of death's positions.  
The rest of the team examined another crime scene. Irony of all ironies, we were investigating the death of one of our own. Forensic terms were murmurs and mutters to me. The façade they put on does not work as they have planned; their eyes express an unexplainable sorrow within their hearts.  
But I showed them a different face. A face of a lone crusader, seeking justice for a friend's untimely death. A person, who will not rest as long as the soul of the fallen did not rest at all.  
And when everything was done, I still felt unsatisfied.  
I asked myself a million times. Why him? Why of all the people, why him? He still has his life to live, so why did Death's sharp scythe took him? Why not me? What has he done to deserve this? Why can't this sorrow leave my heart and give me a few moments peace of mind?  
My eyes were near to giving in to crying, but I fought the urge when she came. She was doing her job, after all. She was giving me a report, as the ballistics expert.  
"Lt. Caine expended (6) rounds" her report read. Within the six rounds, _I_ never even protected Speed? The word "useless" seemed to weigh more in my mind as I went on.  
"Speedle's weapon malfunctioned"  
_Malfunctioned. His gun malfunctioned_  
Speed needed my help that time, more than ever. Why didn't I do something more? Why did I not at least help him look for cover? And maybe… Just maybe… I could have taken the shot for him.  
And then, another dreadful thought dawned from me. If I couldn't protect my friends, what more if I was to protect the one I love?  
Calleigh looked at me. her simple look made me want to run to a dark place and stay there. Just for her not to see me as a weak creature. A weak creature who cannot seem to protect others. What would she think of me?  
And yet, I reached out my hands to her, my heart searching for her warmth and comfort.  
And she held me close to her. For a few moments, all the remorse I felt slowly left. All that mattered was she was near me. And I wanted it to feel like it would last for eternity.  
The thought of Speed's death entered that solemn moment, then an image of Calleigh took place of everything. I saw Calleigh, in a pool of blood, in the morgue, and eventually, in a cold coffin. And I was the one witness of them all.  
"Stop please… Make it stop…" I managed to say, after the images were still fresh. My whole body suddenly became weak as I slowly kneeled on the floor. All the events made me suffer, and I cannot bear it anymore.  
"Horatio…"Calleigh said softly. The tears I kept behind were now escaping my eyes.  
Then I felt a soft touch pass my check, as if an angel's hand brushed against me.  
When I opened my eyes, I saw something far more beautiful than an angel. In an uncouth manner, I wiped away the remainder of my tears with my sleeve. She held me close to her, trying to calm me down. I regained myself slowly, yet all I can do was embrace her close to me.  
"I don't want to lose you Calleigh…" that random thought escaped from me. A soft reply followed, "You wont lose me Horatio… Not now… Not ever…"  
My hands brushed through her gold hair, as I felt her her warm and loving embrace. How I wished all this could happen forever… But a small tinge of fear seemed to be hindering it.  
Hold me close… Hold me close and make the pain go away…

Be with me forever, my love…

End notes: The Horatio Caine you have just witnessed is my Fragile!Horatio, the Horatio who can't seem to contain himself if something THIS serious has happened. It's my fic, my world… Please bear with me  
Fictionally yours,  
_Wyntersun aka csimiamie126_


	2. Calleigh Duquesne: Let me ease the pain

TITLE: SORROWS EQUILIBRIUM _Calleigh Duquesne: Let me ease the pain_

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: During the last few scenes in _Lost Son_ , Calleigh Duquesne contemplates on what happened and what she sees in front of her. She gives comfort to the one she loves, hoping to ease the pain.  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor it's death scenes. All of which belong to Jerry B. The plot though, is mine.  
A/N: I haven't watched Lost Son in full detail (since it's only season 2 I am watching), so I just based this fic with what I saw in blows nose I hate it when characters die, especially good Speed... So here's the fic where I toast to his character and to my ship. I think it's obvious that this story is H/C, so if you don't like the ships, please don't read. I don't enjoy flamers nor would I entertain them.

SORROWS EQUILIBRIUM:

_Calleigh Duquesne: Let me ease the pain_

You come inside my realm, in order to give me evidence. My heart hoped that you were some way or another, your usual self, yet it seemed that all of it went in vain. You talk to me, and tell me in your usual fashion that I must give you a full report on what happened. My mind tells my voice to deliver you what I have learned from years of studying and experience, yet my heart wants to tell you…

Everything will be all right.

Yet you walked away, different from what I usually see. A different man…

And I analyze the evidence, in hope that what I could give you can somewhat ease the pain you feel inside. My mind is focused on my job, yet my heart has temporarily moved away, in hope that even though we are apart, you are somehow in your usual composure. And when the evidence showed me what happened, it also said to me, "This would only make him feel sad…" Within the walls of the room, I wished that I could change this evidence, so that the sadness that you fell won't etch a deeper wound that was already there. Yet this was my job, and you specifically told me to do so.

The moment I saw you in that crime scene, I saw a different Horatio Caine. The crestfallen image of an officer, who could not believe what had happened. While investigating, we exchange the usual forensic terms, yet somehow, I cannot shake the feeling that what we were talking about back then was momentarily incomprehensible to you. All you could think about was what happened to Tim Speedle.

I know what you feel. Do not tell me that you and I are different, and that I have absolutely no idea what you felt. We are one and the same; the same profession, the same skills… We also care for the same person. Don't think that my concern for Timothy Speedle is not in the same level as yours. Speed was, _is_, also our brother, _my_ brother. He is someone who has become close to me and dear to my heart.

I know what you feel. Seeing a comrade, a friend, fall down in front of your eyes, and not to be able to do a single thing, I understand that. I can put myself in your shoes; someone who is considered to be of great status yet wasn't able to protect a person. Trust me, believe me… I know…

I see you in the dark hallway; contemplating, perhaps, reminiscing. Yet it seems that slowly, you will yourself to be in that dark hallway, and in a matter of time, you will reside in that dark place, never to be seen or heard from again.

I want to save you… To free you from your bondage.

I enter that dark realm, and hand you my report. You still talk in your old fashion, yet your eyes express a sorrow that I have never seen before. Slowly, my eyes saw a different you; a person who would do everything for the sake of what he cares for in his life. Even though it means risking what he has, all for the sake of what he cares for. A person, who's fragile nature blooms when what he cares for slowly slips away, and eventually, an unexpected event cruelly takes it away from him. A person, nonetheless, a human person, with feelings, which refuse to show to others, yet when in splendid isolation, releases itself into a vast, unknowing world. But even though these changes of yours slowly appear, for me, you are still one and the same. You are still… The man I loved.

And when I saw you alongside your fragile nature, all I wanted to do was to hold you close to me; my heart to your heart, my life to your life. I wanted you to feel our heartbeats merging together as one. And in selfishness, I wanted us to be alone, and to have enough time, so that I can pull you away from your reverie and put you back together.

Perhaps you had another reason, but you held out your hands to me. Men have long thought that giving in to emotions was a sign of weakness, yet for me, this was the sign of your remaining and regaining strength. I hold you close to me, for my sense tells me that I can help rebuild your strength, if I could be with you, even for a few moments. And the longer you were close to me, I tell myself, that soon, _mi querido_, you will be all right.

When I thought that everything was all slowly turning out to be fine, I saw you fall to your knees and cry. " Stop please… Make it stop…" you murmur between the cries. All these events have made you suffer, and I know you cannot bear it anymore. The tears make their marks on the floor; signs of a human being that Miami thought was invincible, yet it still was a human with emotions. Tears that make you complete, tears that make you Horatio Caine; a person who does not neglect sorrow and instead embraces it and recognizes it. I wipe away those tears, to tell you that I am here, with you, forever.

"I don't want to lose you Calleigh,.." I hear you say.

These simple thoughts of yours told me that you are slowly returning to your usual self, and to me. I replied softly, to make you feel stronger, "You wont lose me Horatio… Not now… Not ever…" You gentle hands brush slowly against my hair, as I held you closer to me than ever before. Yes Horatio, I will be with you forever, don't you fear. For I believe that as long as we are together, we can face everything that this cruel world could offer us.

Hold me close, hold me close to you…

I will never go away…

_ I will be with you forever, mi querido._

Wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

(Because someone in livejournal was belting out anger at me, saying I stole a fanfic. I just wanted to clear out my many pseudonyms. J)


End file.
